|All for love. No regrets.
||[Mar. 4th, 2016|01:42 am]
I know you never asked me to open my heart and carve a hole in the shape of you in it. I know you didn't ask for me to breakdown the walls of my damn and let all the water I protect to flow out freely. I know you never asked me to dig and part my land to make way for you.|
But I did it all freely and whole heartedly. Not so I can throw all this at you when it's over. Not so I can get you to do the same thing and return the "favor." No so I can make you feel guilty or inadequate.
I did it all because I loved you. And this is just how I love.
I met you almost four years ago. I was a robot then, but you brought me to life. And I remember driving home one night and deciding that I will love you and open myself up to you wholly and completely.
Of course a part of me wanted to be "smart" and save some for myself. But I didn't want to consider the possibility of us ending. I surrendered to love fully and completely. And I wanted it. I needed it. I've waited for this to arrive for so, so long that when it did, I gave my all regardless of the what ifs and could bes of us ending. I didn't even want to think of that as a possibility, to be honest.
You see, I've always presevered. And I always believed that everything can be fixed. Everything can be talked about. Everything will always be okay.
Maybe I was wrong for giving it my all, looking back now. But then, I thought, wouldn't I be cheating myself of the experience if I did? Wouldn't I be depriving myself of the full joy of love if I held back? This is why I gave in. I wanted to love fully, all the pain in the world be damned.
Nearly four years since I met you, here I am, nursing a broken heart still, waiting for it to heal, praying for my pieces to be whole again.
Was it all worth it? When I'm tossing and turning inside the mouth of the pain monster chewing me like gum, of course not! But when I think about the good times, which were a lot, I think yes.
All this pain and broken-ness is worth it because once upon a time, I was happier than happy. I was in love and loved. I was filled with love and overflowing with love. Feeling that feeling is priceless and in spite of my broken heart (this stubborn piece of glass that will not glue its pieces together already), I will never trade that experience for anything. Getting drilled in the chest is worth it.