| Them Killer Cold Eyes |
[Dec. 6th, 2009|12:23 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sister Hazel - Green (Welcome to the World) | ] |
"I have an active sex life," Richmond texted me. "No need to worry about me. I get it when I want it."
I never get how easy it is for some guys to get it at the snap of a finger. Could be that they are extremely attactive or oozing with sex appeal or spewing out the sweetest drug-like words or at their best, all of the above. Maybe. Or could be because they seize the day. They whip their dicks out when they feel like it and with killer cold eyes, they extinguish fear with just a wink.
Sometimes I wish I had the same killer cold eyes. Just sometimes. |
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| Hard |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|12:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lady GaGa - Bad Romance | ] |
I've hardened. Back when, every time I'd hear lonely brokenhearted songs like Al Green's "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" or Josh Kelley's "Just Say The Word" or Amy Winehouse's "Love Is A Losing Game", my heart would also break a little. My heart always gets lathered with the very sad song whose lyrics are drippings from someone else's bleeding broken heart.
Last week, I met up with someone and got dumped for being too forward. Well, I was. Not that he was reserved himself. Quite frankly, I was embarassed, not because I was dumped on the first date (I wasn't that interested anyway; not sour-graping), but more so to myself. This guy, Marco, put himself out there. He was hoping to meet with a genuine person. Instead, he met with a superficial person whose interests didn't even include a real date over dinner, a movie, and some quiet time which is what Marco, already 28, had hoped for the meet-up to lead.
And I kept wondering as I drove home, listening to Vonda Shepard's "I Know Him By Heart", what had happened to that soul boy who was always hoping and believing in the possibility of love on every meet-up? Maybe I've grown up and have been jaded by my countless, meaningless "dates"―if I could call them that―over years. I've been hardened by the countless first dates that led only to and ended in seconds, sometimes thirds and fourths but very seldom fifths. I guess you can say that I've transcended loneliness and moved to cynicism.
Finally? I can't decide. |
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| A thousand times over I've said this |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|07:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Michael Buble - Haven't Met You Yet | ] |
A thousand times over I've said and discussed this fear in detail. A thousand times over I've thought of ways to conquer this fear, to go beyond myself in the process and be not afraid to take chances.
I never learn. I am still afraid.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
I do not want to be alone.
And when I say this out loud to Ivan, he says that it breaks his heart a little because he considers himself a possible someone for me, that he considers me a possible prospect for him. Possible here is the operative word, which means not sure, uncertain. A possible someone for each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sigh. |
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| Psycho babbling about being the One (still) and getting some sort of closure along the way |
[Aug. 11th, 2009|06:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Matt Nathanson - Sooner Surrender | ] |
"...I need someone to make me the One and not keep me as one of the others. I want someone to choose me. Just me. Not because I oblige him to do so, but because he wants to, because I am his first choice, his only choice, the one. I refuse to be kept as a safety net, a second option, a fallback person...
...and you do not need to be sorry for hurting me or for not wanting me enough to make a stand and adjust and choose me and make me the one for you if I'm really not. I do not want to be anyone's someone if the decision and the feeling is half-baked. I want certainty in a world full of uncertainties. I can't help it. That's what I want, and this is what I'm willing to give as well..." |
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| The Courteous Guy |
[Jul. 26th, 2009|10:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ditzy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Brad Paisley - That's Love | ] |
My friend brought along her friend with me and our other friends when we met her up yesterday for merienda. We had frozen coffee and toast. She wanted us to meet and get to know him because she's got her eye on him.
And I got to say that he's one polite boy! He must be around 5'11" tall with a medium build. He keeps his dark hair short and wears those popular big, dark frames. He has lips that smiled all the time and big teeth; his two front teeth, a bit bigger than the rest like mine. He also has a the tiniest, cutest dimples.
I would describe him as a courteous and cultured 21-year old guy who loves indie rock music. He's almost like a well-bred English man who comes from a well-to-do family, only without the accent and the elitist swagger, the type who would describe a friend as "lovely" and who would gladly share his food to a new acquiantance. A version of whom I seek to meet and, as the British put it, snog.
He is the kind of guy I would love to date. So much so that very unlike the snowbitch I transform into when I'm attracted to someone, I transformed into this ditzy, shy school boy this time who couldn't look his crush in the eye for too long, afraid that his eyes would give him away to his complete humiliation. He made me realize that I shouldn't be putting out on just any guy. He gave me hope that the courteous guys ain't extinct yet, that they are out there still in circles I need to move around in more often. |
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| Drunk on Hope (Part 1) |
[Jul. 24th, 2009|07:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Keith Urban - Standing Right in front of You | ] |
It was uncanny how things happened, how events turned and pushed things to fall into place just so Evan and I could get closer and know more about each other. And I, a hopelessly addicted fan of romance, translated these serendipitous string of events as Fate's intervention.
It started in Planet Romeo.
He left me a message. I checked on his profile. Instead of a face picture, he had four photos—a silohouette of himself in the beach (sunset, hands on his head) and three photos of his bare chest down, wearing only a pair of dark blue underwear (the bod's not bad, but it's obvious how he's breathing in to conceal a barely there stomach).
A perv, I thought to myself. Wouldn't hurt to read on. And so I clicked on the link to read his message.
I forget what he wrote exactly, but I remember that it was a pretty charming albeit standard "How are you"-"What's up"-type friendly greeting. I also remember how he did not abbreviate his words unlike many do in this text generation. His sentences were properly constructed which made him sound articulate and interesting to me. So I replied with a message that was just as proper and articulate.
It started here.
(to be continued...) |
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| Talkin' about the Simple Kind of Love of Days Past |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|06:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Matt Nathanson - To the Beat of our Noisy Hearts | ] |
In days past, two people could flolic about and the next day, their heartbeat like the steady tapping sound of an old electric fan, say out loud to themselves, "I think I'm in love!" A hundred years later, today that people are (supposedly) smarter, having been more educated and informed about all things psychology, we would say that he wasn't really in love―he was infatuated! Seriously, how could one person love another after just one night? In time, choosing to be with each other would make them realize how much they've neglected fattening up their joined emotional bank account, that which sustains relationships, that today, having discovered more about each other, they realize that a night of butterflies is not enough adhesive, glue not sticky enough, to keep them together for a lifetime.
While all this 21st century logic about emotional bank accounts and the right true everlasting love are all good stuff, I realized that it came with a price: the simple, innocent kind of love. We've become so tied up to and obsessed with our definition of "real love" that we're beginning to reject, even fail to acknowledge that simple love, no matter how much it lacks foundation which makes it "fleeting", is still love. It may not be enough to keep two people together, it may not compare to the depth of that ideal one true love, but it's love just the same! It's still love. It's still love. It's still love. Simple love is still love at its core.
My point is that it's not right to discount simple love as love just because of its simplicity. Calling it infatuation is an injustice because you and I know that simple love and infatuation are two very different concepts. The former is based on a hard-thumping on your chest after a night of butterflies that transforms into care and affection for another, while the latter lingers only on the idea and phase of a night of butterflies.
That said, when people ask me, have you ever been in love? I will try to bunch of scattered courage and say, "Yes, I have." If they ask me with whom, I'd keep them guessing. |
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| HH |
[Jul. 11th, 2009|11:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Dashboard Confessional - Ghost of a Good Thing | ] |
The first time we held hands, we were in the moviehouse watching Terminator Salvation at Eastwood Cinemas. We sat at the back row because he said that it had the best view. It was our first date. I was excited-anxious like crazy. We shared an armrest, our shoulders and arms glued together. My left fingers, his right fingers, from time to time, would graze at each other unintentionally.
At one moment, during a particularly surprising scene, our hands found each other. He held my hand tight, but I loosened mine from his, thinking it was a reflex action, what had happened. Then, a while later, I whispered to his ear, "Uhm, do you want to hold hands?" "Sure," he answered and we did.
He held my hand so tight, his thumb massaging the length of my thumb. I wasn't used to it. I rubbed back too, but would got tired eventually. Later during the date, he asked me why I let go of his hand when I wanted to hold hands anyway. I didn't know why, so I just laughed.
One time, in another date, I asked him why he liked doing that thing he does when we held hands. He said that he doesn't know. A mannerism perhaps. I still wasn't comfortable with it. Nobody has ever held my hand like that before.
A month later, now, we don't see each other anymore. From time to time, I find myself clasping my hands together, my right thumb massaging the length of my left thumb like he would as I remember that first date we had, how romantic it was in spite of the most unromantic movie we could ever get ourselves to watch. |
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| The greatest gift you could give someone is your Heart. |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|08:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Corrs - All the Love in the World | ] |
"The greatest gift you could ever give someone is your heart," my friend Ian said to me one time. "And a heart in someone's hand is in danger, especially when in the hands of just some one. He could crush it and crush you so easily with a squeeze." A pause. "You have to be careful and decide very well when and to whom you will give your heart to."
I nodded. |
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| The Juggler who's giving me different kinds of butterflies in my belly |
[Jun. 25th, 2009|02:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Keith Urban - Kiss A Girl | ] |
People have different dating habits. Some are jugglers. Some are not.
I can never be comfortable juggling dates, collecting and then selecting. I've always been a one-man kind of dater. I'm currently dating a self-confessed juggler. We've gone out on six dates in the past three weeks and the idea that he's texting other guys and dating them agitates me. The idea that I am one of the balls he's juggling with who knows how many others is agitating me. One moment he is giving me butterflies that keep me from wiping a big smile off my face; the next, he's giving me butterflies that get me all restless with uncertainty, a monster I don't wrestle very well with. Then again, I understand that certainty and exclusivity at this point of the relationship are things I cannot demand from him just yet.
What to do, what to do, what do. How to deal, how to deal, how to deal. |
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| An oracle for a bestfriend |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|05:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me | ] |
The thing about having an oracle for a best friend is that I am always tempted to seek his advice every time confusion hits me. As his readings are more often than not precise, to me, he seems like a nearby answer key that I can peep from as I take a test.
Sometimes though, hard as it is to resist the temptation, I like looking at the answer key after taking the test. |
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| Beware! The Snow Bitch |
[May. 28th, 2009|05:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Katy Perry - I'm Still Breathing | ] |
So the chance finally comes for me and Dorkwin to talk over the phone and I screw it. I can't help it. When speak with someone I like, I just freeze! And by freeze, I don't mean that I suddenly can't speak but rather, I turn into the coldest, scariest snow bitch! So that's exactly what happened. He called for my partner who's already left, so we got to talk and I just speak in the coldest, most professional voice ever despite his gentle, friendly voice. Damn it. Where does my so-called warm-and-fuzzy friendliness go when times like these come along? |
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| O Seeker, I beckon thee to come... right now. |
[May. 1st, 2009|12:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Indigo Girls - Moment of Forgiveness | ] |
I watched Finding Nemo earlier and ached at the idea of someone looking for another, even if in the movie, it was in the form of a father (Marlin) looking for his son (Nemo).
The idea of someone seeking for you, someone bouncing on killer jellyfishes to find you, dodging shark teeth and pigeon poop to see you, braving unfamiliar territories to hold you, riding dangerous currents to be with you... it's all so romantic.
And truth be told, I can't wait to be found. Of course, I say this with the presumption that someone is looking for me, even if he doesn't know it yet. |
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| Nasty thoughts about someone's fiance |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|07:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metro Station - Seventeen Forever | ] |
After eating lunch today, our 24-year old intern showed us a photo of her boyfriend, the 23-year old father of her three-year old baby boy, in her phone whom she often describes to us as a cocky playboy, the sporty troublemaker back in high school whom she never would've considered dating—let alone kissing—and yet somehow, she ended up, uhm, f-cking and soon, marrying. Well, they're engaged as far as I know.
His looks and appeal reminded me of Nathan Scott from One Tree Hill who was played by actor James Lafferty. Cocky basketball player who's good with girls (I didn't really watch One Tree Hill, but I watched its first two episodes).
Hot guy. So hot, that even through his mini digital photo, he secretly transformed me into a prey, probably like one of those gullible highschool girlets who allowed him to play secret-nasty-kinky games with them back in the days. He turned me on, I admit it, and I feel so dirty-sinful-guilty right now for having nasty thoughts on someone else's boy.
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| Dreaming of that straight kind of Love I'll never have |
[Apr. 28th, 2009|12:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Aliya Parcs - I Close My Eyes | ] |
One of my highschool classmates got married last month. Another is due to marry next month. One just announced that he is expecting a baby girl.
Every time I hear about news like these, my heart breaks a little and I wonder if my life would've gone the way my parents said it would when I was a little boy if I were a regular straight guy. That I would meet the girl of my dreams in high school (or college, doesn't matter) school, be in a relationship with her for a few years, tie the knot, enjoy a flourishing career separately but together, start a family, become a dad, watch my children grow until they leave home to start their own lives, maybe cry a little in secret as I watch them pack up and leave, become a grandpa, and spend forever with my wife, my one true love.
That has always been the dream I was taught to dream about as I grew up. Somehow, it still is. And yet, I know it cannot be. We all know why. And every time I do not take the step leading towards it, my heart breaks.
God knows how much I want it to be the reality I live in. God knows how much I wish I could grow someday into a version of the grandpa in this photo with somebody I can read the newspaper with and laugh about the crazy stuff on it in the morning over toast perhaps. Sigh.
Would Love be less elusive if I were a straight guy instead? I just want to grow old and happy with someone. That's all. |
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| A strange feeling of connection with Dorkwin |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|10:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Snow Patrol - Crack the Shutters | ] |
We have never really spoken and yet I feel a connection between us. Has that ever happened to you? You see a guy, meet him eye to eye, get to talk with him for a very short while, exchange smiles, and then bang! A connection. Not necessarily a spark, but a connection just the same. A pull towards him. A feeling of familiarity. A feeling, almost of, dare I say this, destiny.
I'm talking about Darwin. Dorkwin. The office geek. A very geeky-looking boy, dark classes, neatly combed hair, polo shirt and all, who stands taller than me. And in spite of the fact that we never really get to speak enough to get to know each other, I continue to feel a sense of connection unlike the kind I felt right after the first great conversation Rex and I had back in circa college. With Darwin, I feel a connection despite a lack of conservation which usually sparks in me that feeling of connection. Has this ever happened to you?
It's not in his looks. God knows he ain't the best looking. But there's something about him that's got me all fixated and attentive. There's just something there. I wonder if secretly, it's mutual. I wish! Ha! |
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| What a guy must have to have what it takes to wear a low v-neck shirt or an unbuttoned polo |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|06:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hale - Pitong Araw | ] |
When a girl wears a blouse with a neckline low enough to show some skin, we expect to see cleavage. When a guy wears a low v-neck shirt or an unbuttoned polo shirt, we expect to see either his man chest-cleavage or some chest hair or a combination of both. When there is neither, a guy with a really flat, clear chest, something seems off. I wonder why.
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| Staring at my phone, waiting for it to ring... |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|08:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Lene Marlin - You Were't There | ] |
...is driving me nuts!
And when I try calling the person whose call I've been waiting for, I hear a different voice; the operator picks up instead and says, "The subscriber you are calling is currently not available. Please try your call later."
It's been hours, several later-s have passed, and he's still "currently not available"! Did he turn his phone off? Did he maybe forget it at home? Did he lose his phone? I'm going loco! |
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| You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see. You turn every head but you don't see me. |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|01:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Aqualung - Strange And Beautiful (I Put A Spell On You) | ] |
I saw a cute guy in our parish today. He sang the solo parts during those responsorial psalms. He looked like a good boy. Very clean cut. Fair skin. Small eyes. Very well-shaped, matangos nose (his best facial asset). He reminds me of this '90s Filipino actor Matt Mendoza whom I best remember in Charlene Gonzalez' remake of Dyesebel.
I wanted to stare at him but I couldn't so much because I felt self-conscious as I only sat a couple of rows away from the tall table from where he stood behind. I can tell when I find someone very attractive when I want to stare at him so badly and yet looking at him for more than 3 seconds would already get me feeling all guilty and self-conscious. Although I didn't like his voice (because it sounded flat and muffled), I stole glances at him anyway. Too bad he didn't even notice me. Damn it. Well, I just hope that he's the new neighbor who just moved in the gorgeous house in our street and I pray that we meet each other one way or another, probably during one of the nights I spend walking around our subdivision while listening to music. I'm hoping. |
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| Would I be selling out if I post and make public a clear face photo of myself on Downelink? |
[Apr. 10th, 2009|12:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Arctic Monkeys - Teddy Pickers | ] |
This morning, today being a holiday, I woke up very eager to take a chance and post a face picture on my stalker account in Downelink. I was pretty inspired by Mike's cyberspace trek. Immediately after logging in my old account, I clicked on the Flirt button and checked out the folks online. Suddenly, this weird wave came over and I couldn't pull through with posting a public photo. I don't know. Maybe I chickened out. Or maybe, I couldn't sell out that way (not that I think Mike sold out; to each his own). I couldn't let go of the dream of meeting someone special not via cyberspace. I keep thinking that perhaps, if I wait long enough and hope hard enough, Fate would reward me. And then I felt guilty for thinking I could manipulate Fate that way.
Could I? |
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