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Baby boy [Mar. 15th, 2017|11:25 pm]

I'm not a baby person. I often just like babies whose parents are my friends or relatives. But generally, I'm never one to gush at babies or whatnot.

There's this one baby I can't get enough of, though, the son of Anton's friends. It doesn't help that his parents post every random moment he has, from laughing to eating to playing to crawling to trying to talk to teething.

Okay I'm gonna admit this once and never even say or let alone think about this thought again: if we had stayed together long enough, perhaps Anton and I could've figured out having a baby together.

Again, I'm not a baby person.

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Happy Memory #7: Playing in the Rain [Mar. 31st, 2016|11:26 am]
It was a rainy day. Suddenly you called, "Hey baby." I can still hear your malambing voice.

"Hey baby!"
"Guess what I did today?"
"What?" I was at work.
"We took a bath in the rain!"
"What?! Why?!"

And then you started making fun of me about not ever doing that (because I wouldn't, to be honest; he knew me too well). And I defended myself saying I did that before and I don't plan on doing that unless I don't have a choice. Lots of teasing and laughter in that memory.

"You take a warm bath afterward." I was a Tito even before it became a thing. Through and through I was a Tito.
"Later na!"
"Okay but make sure you do because you might get sick."
"Okay baby"
"Love you."
"Love you."
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Why do I still miss you? Damn it! [Mar. 27th, 2016|02:21 am]
I don't understand why I can't stop crying still. I told myself I'll stop already but it gets the better of me. These tears are unstoppable. They stream out like a river.

Today is March 27. Three days ago was the day I met Anton. I remember fetching him from his office, that cyan shirt he wore, how it seemed to glow against the darkness inside my car as I drove us to Eastwood. I remember clasping your hand during the movie. We never let go. I remember sitting by the fountain, talking with you and watching your face get illuminated by the night lights. I remember you kissing me in the car. We kept on kissing. It was already past 3am. I remember bringing you home and you letting me in and we lying next to each other in your bed. Sometimes I swear I can still smell you. Three years of being together, countless nights of being so close, I know how you smell very well.

I gave you my heart, Anton, fully and completely. I wanted you to be my present and future, to realize our dreams together. I hoped to get old with you, that we will be together til our last breath, holding each other's hands.

Damn it, why the fuck do I still fucking miss you? Fuck fuck fuck!
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That night he called [Mar. 25th, 2016|04:13 am]
9:24pm. March 18, 2016.

I was with colleagues. Videoke night. Theme? Songs about letting go and getting your heart broken. Songs like I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me, If The Feeling Is Gone, Set You Free.

And then my phone rang.

A familiar photo was on my screen.

It was Anton.

I didn't answer.

What would I say? What did he want to say?

Anything he says will only upset me. There's nothing he can say that I want to hear. Zilch!

I do not want to get upset, especially on a Friday night.

I didn't pick up. Extinguished my curiosity like a candle in the rain.

I hope he never calls again.

I'm not ready yet. And why do I ever need to get ready to see, hear, or meet him again?

There are no more words to be said.

Best we allow time and silence to take over when it comes to what used to be an us.
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All for love. No regrets. [Mar. 4th, 2016|01:42 am]
I know you never asked me to open my heart and carve a hole in the shape of you in it. I know you didn't ask for me to breakdown the walls of my damn and let all the water I protect to flow out freely. I know you never asked me to dig and part my land to make way for you.

But I did it all freely and whole heartedly. Not so I can throw all this at you when it's over. Not so I can get you to do the same thing and return the "favor." No so I can make you feel guilty or inadequate.

I did it all because I loved you. And this is just how I love.

I met you almost four years ago. I was a robot then, but you brought me to life. And I remember driving home one night and deciding that I will love you and open myself up to you wholly and completely.

Of course a part of me wanted to be "smart" and save some for myself. But I didn't want to consider the possibility of us ending. I surrendered to love fully and completely. And I wanted it. I needed it. I've waited for this to arrive for so, so long that when it did, I gave my all regardless of the what ifs and could bes of us ending. I didn't even want to think of that as a possibility, to be honest.

You see, I've always presevered. And I always believed that everything can be fixed. Everything can be talked about. Everything will always be okay.

Maybe I was wrong for giving it my all, looking back now. But then, I thought, wouldn't I be cheating myself of the experience if I did? Wouldn't I be depriving myself of the full joy of love if I held back? This is why I gave in. I wanted to love fully, all the pain in the world be damned.

Nearly four years since I met you, here I am, nursing a broken heart still, waiting for it to heal, praying for my pieces to be whole again.

Was it all worth it? When I'm tossing and turning inside the mouth of the pain monster chewing me like gum, of course not! But when I think about the good times, which were a lot, I think yes.

All this pain and broken-ness is worth it because once upon a time, I was happier than happy. I was in love and loved. I was filled with love and overflowing with love. Feeling that feeling is priceless and in spite of my broken heart (this stubborn piece of glass that will not glue its pieces together already), I will never trade that experience for anything. Getting drilled in the chest is worth it.
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Happy Memory #6: Pikachu [Feb. 22nd, 2016|11:00 pm]
Your eyes would widen and your nostrils would flare when I'd say or do something you deem "crazy."

In an attempt to keep you from making fun of me too often, I said to you, "Can you tell me when you think I'm being crazy? Say a word so I know what you consider as crazy."

"Ok, what word?"

"How about 'Pikachu'?"



"Pikachu! Pikachu!" You exclaimed at me, pointing at me and laughing so hard, your eyes squinting and your nostrils flaring. I love hearing you laugh.

And we ended up just laughing. I miss that. Us laughing together over the silliest and simplest of things. Laughter, like misery, loves company and back in the day, we had a lot of it.

What happened to us?

(I miss you.)

(Do you miss me too?)

(Pikachu! Pikachu! Pikachu!)
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Okay na sana ako [Feb. 12th, 2016|08:34 pm]
Gusto ko sanang sabihing okay na ko, na di na kita naiisip kapag naglalakad o nagmamaneho ako ng mag isa, na wala nang halaga sa kin ang nakaraan, na wala na akong nararamdaman sayo, na di kita namimiss, na di na ako umiiyak dahil sa iyo, na naniniwala na ako na tapos na tayo, na di na masama loob ko dahil nabali lang ang lahat ng mga pangako at pangarap natin, na wala na akong pakialam...

Pero sinong ginagago ko? Gusto ko na talaga mag move on. Di naman sa hirap. More of sawa na ko sa bigat nito. *buntong hininga*
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Things Unsaid [Feb. 10th, 2016|02:29 pm]
He wrote me a letter and emailed it to me at around 9pm on December 31, 2014. It caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to hear from him again. Ever. Even when Ian told me that he had told him that he wanted to talk with me again. I didn't think it would happen sooner than later.

Ian and Tin told me that this might just be the opportunity for me to say things unsaid. But I thought, what for? Why do I need to rebuild a bridge between us? Wasn't this the same bridge he destroyed? This was a bridge we built for three years, you see, and without giving me a say on the matter, he demolished it. In one night, leaving me waiting and wanting answers.

All cryptic now, he dangles the reasons he says I don't seem to be ready to hear. Do I still need to spend time learning them? What for? Closure? Isn't that something I can give myself? Can't what happened to us be just like the Loch Ness monster, a mystery forever unsolved?

I don't need to know his reasons why he did what he did. Not anymore. I'll just move forward with my life, thank you.

This is why I will not be replying to your email, Anton.
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Sepanx [Dec. 26th, 2015|10:12 am]
Imagine having the one person you trust the most, the one you've imagined and planned a future with, the one who knows your deepest desires and secrets, the one who makes you laugh, the one who believes in you and pushes you higher. Think of that person. Now imagine that person suddenly deciding to stop talking to you, stop seeing you altogether. No explanation. Imagine this person quitting you cold turkey.

The seperation anxiety is a bitch.
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Terrible Seas [Dec. 22nd, 2015|09:18 pm]
I will not lie. When I get lost in the school of people I swim with in terrible seas we used to swim together in, my heart stops every time I see a man who resembles you, the way you style your thick straight hair, your loose shirts over cargo shorts and rubber shoes, the color of your skin, the shape of your face.

I still miss you, damn it!
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